As a father of two daughters, I have always supported women’s rights, happy to see barriers of the past gradually removed and old prejudices jettisoned. In fact I was so ‘feminist’, believing my girls should never be denied their choice of career based solely on their gender, that I proudly drove round in the 90’s with that car sticker “Girls Can do Anything.” Although to keep it in perspective, I did caution “except play State of Origin”. (Well who knew?) Anyhow, the sight of NSW footballer Mick De Vere getting a nasty headwound stapled unsympathetically on the sideline, before being sent back out to play with equal indifference was enough to steer them away from that pursuit.
But despite my otherwise unequivocal support for women being able to do anything men can do (in the right circumstances) there is in fact one last male bastion that I believe defeats gender equality – live sporting commentary of team sports. I’m sorry to be the one to say it but a woman screaming at the top of her voice is not conducive in any way shape or form to describing an exciting passage of play. Called right, the commentator adds to the enjoyment, making it a rallying cry and causing the TV viewer to feel part of the action in a shared moment of triumph. Particularly for men’s sport. In the same circumstances, when a female commentator raises her voice to describe the same action, using the same language, you wonder what she’s doing there and why is she making so much noise and interrupting proceedings? Admit it. It just doesn’t sound right.
And there are sound evolutionary reasons why a woman’s shrilly raise voiced is designed to make men feel extremely uncomfortable. In pre-history, it would have been heard from miles away to call the menfolk back to the cave to defend the family from animal or other attack. A cry so penetrating it’s designed to cause anxiety, not enjoyment and excitement. These days, it is still a sound to avoid creating at all costs. Especially in a household environment. Like all men, if I truly want to listen to such a terrible sound, I can carry out any one of a hundred acts my wife finds annoying. Then the satanic siren of strident reprimands, will assault my ears at full, discombobulating volume.
Things that a husband learns through painful lessons are verboten! Such as (a) leaving a wet towel on the bed after a shower for more than 30 seconds – (b) cutting my toe nails in the lounge and failing to locate every last piece of shrapnel till her delicate milky feet find them (ouch) – (c) blowing your nose on a toilet tissue (because they’re the soft variety and its closer) and not flushing it down straight away. The most hygienic thing to do actually, especially in a pandemic. The problem being that someone might come round and see it. Fair point, because as we all know, the first thing people do when they come round is check on your toilet to make sure you’re flushing properly. I could go on but I daren’t.
However, thanks to the wonders of AI, there is a solution to a woman live calling cricket, football or soccer and not annoying fully 95% of listeners. A way where female sports commentators get to fulfil their dreams and we get to listen in peace. If not immediately, surely in the very near future, it’s entirely plausible for a viewer to be able to pick the voice of their choice where the likes of Bill Lawrie, Dennis Cometti or even ‘Rabbit’ Warren reach our ears even if the words are tumbling from the mouths of a woman caller (or an equally annoying bloke). Perhaps it will extend to movie legends like Morgan Freeman or Humphrey Bogart or any voice they can recreate that someone wants to listen to. In fact, I’d reckon there’s some clever people working on that idea right now.
Probably a sporting fan and father like me – or more likely, his smarter daughters.